“Driving Me Crazy”

We’ve all been on the road one time or another when some assclown was making life miserable for the rest of us. We were just motoring along minding our own business and jamming out to some Pat Benatar when this poor excuse for a driver comes our way.

I don’t know about you, but lately I have felt like a ticking time bomb with a timer that’s about to expire when dealing with these bastards.  I really wish my car horn would shout out obscenities when I slammed on it, that way I wouldn’t get hoarse from yelling at them.

I have come to conclusion that certain people have either bribed the department of motor vehicles or have gotten faulty/corrupt driving test, or as my mother used to say, “They got their license from a box of Cracker Jacks”. These are the drivers you just want to hit with a stale loaf of French bread...repeatedly.

Some people would categorize drivers as either offensive or defensive, but I believe there should be a few more categories, like for example…

Dysfunctional Drivers - these bastards cannot handle standard operating equipment, like blinkers.

Turtle Drivers - these are the drivers who are out for that preverbal Sunday drive or have no sense of urgency to do anything other than hold all us other drivers up.

Ego Drivers - these are the loud car folks, the people with the mufflers, engines and/or music that is blaring and rattling so loud that all us other drivers can do nothing else besides pay attention to them.  Ego Drivers can also be seen sporting obnoxious rims and/or jacked up tires.

Delusional Drivers - these are the people who cause most of the trouble on the road, but feel as if you’re in the wrong when you shoot them the middle finger and/or lay on you horn.

Barbie Bitch Drivers - these are the wannabe makeup artists who flunked out of beautician schools and prefer to try to perfect their skills when they’re driving to Wal-Mart…thinking the parking lot to the front door is their own personal runway.

Disney Drivers - these are the people who are just plain GOOFY…nuff’ said.

Trophy Hangers - these are the drivers who hang anything and everything from their rear view mirror…whether it’s their girls G-string panties or a shitty cd letting you know what country they are from, or pretend to be from…all this crap blocks their line of sight making them swerve all over the road like as if they were drunk.  

Fat Feet Drivers - these are the speed demons, the infamous lead foots. Their big heavy feet glued to the gas pedal like as if they were in the movie Speed, always in a rush to go nowhere fast.

Driving Miss Daisy Drivers – these people aren’t just driving Miss Daisy, they are Miss Daisy. They are older than dirt, their vision is about as good as a bat’s and their reflexes are as sharp as a spoon, but yet they are still allowed on the road.

There are some others, but these are the most annoying…at least for me.

Aside from the categories listed above, that “drive” me nuts, I also like to partake in some on the road people watching, like for example…

People at stoplights …when I’m practicing my stalking skills, I find myself watching them as if I was watching a good movie. I watch them talk with their hands with their windows up, and pretend to know what they’re saying; I play my own version of Mad Libs on the road.

I also see them sometimes even picking their nose, knuckle deep in their nostrils, like as if they were digging for gold. All I have to say is I would hate to be their steering wheel and/or the valet.

I sometimes wish there was a Facebook status bubble over these people’s heads so that I would know what they were thinking when they did the crazy crap they did…it would make for such an entertaining drive.

From my little soapbox-

Seven D